I’ve never been single. Not as an adult. As a teenager I had no love life to speak of, funny isn’t it? One boyfriend for a few weeks and an endless and all consuming crush on a guy for most of my adolescent life, that’s it. All I wanted was some one to love me (so many daddy issues). Fast forward ten years and here I am, 29 and with no more than a few weeks of singledom under my belt. I’m a serial monogamist. I love being loved, I love being needed and I love having someone to cuddle up to at night.
So here I am. Officially single for two months and back on the scene. Back on the scene and on the prowl, but not really. No, not really.
I could sit here and pretend that I’m getting out there and slutting it up but it’s all a rouse. I let people think that so they wouldn’t see how damaged I am. I was faking it faking it to them and to myself. Faking it is never ok. I fake life a lot. I’m not a woman who sleeps around, I’m not a woman who enjoys picking up randoms, I’m a woman who wants to be loved but I’m broken. She broke me so much that I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again. My whole world was shattered into a million pieces and I’ve used those pieces to build myself a big old wall around my heart. I don’t think I would be able to survive that kind of hurt again. I’m so scared.
The problem is that on the other side of this wall is a part of me that screaming out to be loved. My inner demon. She’s there, jumping up and down with a void in her heart wanting someone to fill it. She’s the part of me that goes to bed at night and longs for someone next to her, the one that feels like she needs another person in her life to be validated. She’s the part of me that my fierce independent self would love to smother with a pillow.
My mission in life now is to murder this inner demon. I know she won’t go down without a fight and I’m going to spend as long as it takes to exterminate her. I need to become ok with it just being me. I need to fill the void myself. So here is my vow to me;
I will not get into a relationship with someone until I am happy and comfortable going to bed alone, until I no longer feel that I need someone in my life to complete me. Because I am enough.
This is fantastic in theory but I have no idea where to start. Any suggestions?
In the wise words of Ru Paul “If can’t love yourself, how the hell are you going to love somebody else?”